Author Archives: Dox

“I am not to blame for their bad manners”

“Where I come from and what I look like is not a representation of me”

“I was the victim too”

“I am loving, strong, confident, intelligent and powerful”

“What is meant for me, will be for me”

“I take on the pain of others”

“Love is real, and I am worth of it”

“I am beautiful”

“Everyone is hurting, I am not alone in human pain”

“Social media and music do not determine self worth”

“Friends do not make me happy”

“Everyone has problems”

“My life is perfect the way it is”

“I can do better”

Love is me. And it is beautifully sung

This is a start of new blogging

i’ve never been one to beg for help almost to a fault perhaps. its been hard for me to feel trusting of those around me, so i tend to take everyones feelings into account except my own. i admit this is largely unhealthy as it has in the past left me feeling uncared for and unimportant. maybe i have conditioned myself to think that way because i have not previously been taught to feel as though my circumstances or thoughts do not have meaning. i have just learned to not feel dependent on any thing or any one but myself, and sometimes my family.

this way of interpreting my growing up has left me with a resilient and very strong willed nature that i am extremely grateful for. i have made mistakes but there are no time for tears, regret or other unprecedented emotions. the fact of the matter is that at 24 i am finishing college and making my way into a bright and loving future, and want to care for and give back to other people as much as i can as long as i am allotted time on this earth. this best time to make impact in in the present and i promise to be as present in any moment as i can for the rest of the year without fail. the iron is hot and ready for every grocery and fresh idea that i have stocked up as well as many more to come. thank you God

it is Nov. 15th Monday 12:58pm and I have so much to do today, or rather that i want to get done. Its like every second leading up until December 11th is the brightest most exciting thing that has ever happened to me. Some people can say that their life has brought many uncertainty but has prevailed in some way due to their own instincts and perseverance. As well as support and love etc all the things that sets someone up for success. 3 years ago my goal in life was to be stable and independently taken care of no matter what the cost was.

So many sad nights are paying off. Finally content with myself and love and happiness or rather getting there. God works in mysterious ways and I can never say its not been for the greater good in my existence.

/ Being alone.. not really a new feeling

something i’m quite used to but never relentlessly comfortable in, I think it is never truly a waste to seek out love unless harm is nearby. Yet I do have to remind myself of worthy thoughts and mind over matter essentially.

One of the best things that you can do for yourself is to put your feelings away and trust in your true being, that you have trained your mind to make the decisions that most benefit you and is the right thing to do

Reminder to tell yourself;

“I trust you more than anyone else”

Don’t force your value on someone- now requiring them to inspire me like I inspire myself. Push me through tough times like not many others can. You’re only young once, so many older people in my life encourage me to live free and happy so no time for tears just hard work, higher horizons and such therein beautiful memories.

“You shudder and shake, sink your teeth in my skin. I almost believe you were made to be played by my hands” – Springfield

Some people take things for granted like hot food when you’re hungry or a warm bed when you’re tired. Its not fair that I act any more grateful than the next, so when you are dearly reminded of the wonders and love that life is constantly bestowing on you, theres an unrequited appreciation for happiness and joy as a muse.

Not to stray away from the point of this journal however, being November 5th, finding myself on the brink of graduation. What a benevolent gift i’ve been given? Today I woke up and felt not the best but still buzzing about the month to come, went to my Tennis group at Addison and came home to burning pasta and another cup of tea. Blogging is a lot less stressful than art, even though I much rather be painting right now. And pencil shavings are to be saved for much easier days in my opinion. I never know how much sad to happy ratio is appropriate to document, maybe count it all good? Pain lets you know you’re alive Baby! Naomi I know you will never read this but I hope you are well, and love is finding its way into your hungry heart where ever you are dear.

I am fortunate for myself, for my heart, for self love and trying to live up to what my Nina always wanted me to do is to just be the best. Be sweet, lately it seems like i’ve been not really abiding in that sentiment as much as i should i suppose. Remembering every person in life has a story as strange and complex as our own, never feel bad for comforting someone in a time of need. Or feeling like you are giving too much of the ‘benefit of the doubt’. Sometimes I wish I made less excuses for myself, being difficult to resolve issues, conflict, or even forgoing being honest despite my internal integrity and not fighting someone for a spot in their heart like i feel like i did the last year. Even if I made myself believe that it wasn’t as important as it was, cause it hurts to be wrong and to be hurt at any moment. No one likes to waste time, right? I guess its fair to say i grew in understanding, i failed at trying to be unconditional and truly forgiving like i’ve always wanted to in a relationship or dating or what have you. Pride is bitch, a real motherfucker to be sentimental.

You push forward and you do it so effortlessly in hindsight and its beautiful, stop and look at the flowers, deja vu. WHat a moment??!!! The happiest days are to honestly come forward like roses in a garden. Theres a soft spot I have for exciting new experiences that my intuition screams for in little toddler fashion. The gates are open and they are pearly and scattered with opportunity for this little battered lone wolf. It is 6:39pm on a Friday night and I feel like I have finally done, or about to be done with what has been an honestly tide battle of change and inconsistency some can’t exactly say they could have done the same, on the contrary others that would have killed to be in this spot. She’s without hesitation, an independent woman? She has her morals in tact? She’s careful and prepared to live her life in a way that brings out her best? She’s goal oriented? Well i’ll be damned. There were times I looked over and thought these were some strangely high standards to achieve but with the right support and mindset, the world is.. in the best way full of oysters that I will at all times treasure until midnight.

I love easy Mondays. So far the days been smooth like butter I woke up with a lighter load than yesterday. I showered at 12:40PM. Made some peppermint tea and ordered Little Cesears pizza. Read some of my daily religious book, wondering what I should use this kind of free day to do. I did some 7 minute yoga. I don’t know if it really helped but it felt good that I did it. Did my nails and a facemask as well as drink a lot of water. Not sure if I want to continue vegging out and put on a Disney movie like a goofy movie or do makeup or do a photoshoot. Getting notifications on Tinder when you’re on the computer is funny. Feeling like there is so much to do and also not really is a weird place to be on an off day, I can’t decide if my body needs to relax and not think about work or if I should look for jobs or what have you. Its funny how often I want to write about sad stuff, maybe my stalker will see it and try to comment, but this time with a fail since comments now have to be approved. by me. the creator (hehe). I hope hes alright though I know mental illness can be a bit much. Listening to classical music whilst blogging is quite an interesting thing.

Part of me feels like journaling online is safe because i’m not famous and this is my own site on wordpress and then a part of me doesn’t, because, when are we ever really safe on the internet ? I like to think my words are only as effective as the emotions you feel at night, gazing at the moon in constant variation. Sometimes its exactly what you need, other times it feels useless and numbing, often numbing other times in a peaceful way though. Which is what I try to aim for.

Okay maybe I have been sleeping on classical music because Le Carnaval Des Animaux slaps like a mother funker. I forgot how much I miss journaling, don’t think i could do it every day though. Still can’t believe someone left a minifridge in the commons, which is now mine but like dude could’ve sold it or something. Think I will go to the beach next week on Monday, can’t wait to see my friends on Sunday. Maybe playing tennis will them will help me figure out how to coach 13 year olds, and relieve some anxiety and stress about being alone in San Jose living with people I don’t really know. I can’t say I would trade it for anything though, like how J cole says Love Yours, right?

Hunnybee hunnybee there’s no such thing as sweet honesty