6:55am 6/14

This week I made salmon with green beans, rice and corn. I am excited to go to the gym tomorrow as well as trader joes. I anticipate my mood rising by 1200% tomorrow. I have been going to bed at 4-5am which is insane seeing that I am almost 25 now. I used to dream about being this age and now social media has made women over 23 seem like 40 or maybe i’m exaggerating. Anyways I am learning to take pride in whoever I am, at any given moment and ignoring what irrelevant sources say are the new beauty standards in the modern world (or more like moron world). My bed sheets smell like wet dog, not dirty but reminds me of when I was 13 y/o and it was too hot, kind of like now.

Have woken up in arguably a very benevolent mood. It is currently 7:02 a.m. and I am brazenly awake. I have been sleeping for about 3-4 days straight, No exercise or morning walk and although I feel slightly disappointed in myself I know that the time I needed to recoup and think about some things was well needed. I feel a lot more rested and readjusted to my goals and My overall well-being, especially my emotional state of mind. Last two years I felt almost as a trance but I was just moving through the motions, Although a lot of good things happened like I graduated and move doubt successfully on my own without anyone’s help, and I found my first job, I went to see my cousin’s back in Pensacola and Mississippi and New Orleans, I can’t help but give myself fully to the fact that there were also unpleasant things that happened. I was horribly alone most of the time besides the internet, which was abnormal for me but it was still painful. I finally stopped talking to a specific family member that was no longer active in my life which in a way I felt like I was standing up for myself but also feels kind of polarizing. I was hung up over someone for about 2 years, manipulated, objectified, rejected, misunderstood, misused, spited, provoked, guilted, neglected, taken for granted, abandoned. As much as I really don’t want to admit I felt that way I know I did love more than I loved myself because I let it happen, which I will never do again. However vulnerability at a high capacity with someone not only scares me but i’ve been fighting it through other people as well. It hurts me to know I used to be so open and accepting of communication and compassion. Now i’m realizing years of traumatic arguments and failed relationships made the idea of something that used to be so beautiful, almost laughable and incomprehensible. This time was much different though I knew I was fighting someone who wasn’t interested enough to fight. It bugs me that someone I write about knows I blog about them. I dyed my hair and bleached it which I said I would never do again after the summer of 2020. And then I impulsively cut my hair around September 2021 and then just kept going. To be fair it wasn’t that much of a jump because it was something I had wanted to do since I was in high school I want to say. Now looking back on the occurrences of my life it makes sense that I’ve only felt this way when I was being misunderstood and in need of comfort/validation. I hate that the internet has made validation seem like this attention grabbing whorish thing when in reality we all need that to some extent. I think it’s more of the fact of what starts to dehumanize you in the hopes of gaining something fleeting of that nature. Maybe I’ll go into a tangent about that some other time.