Wonders

Some people take things for granted like hot food when you’re hungry or a warm bed when you’re tired. Its not fair that I act any more grateful than the next, so when you are dearly reminded of the wonders and love that life is constantly bestowing on you, theres an unrequited appreciation for happiness and joy as a muse.

Not to stray away from the point of this journal however, being November 5th, finding myself on the brink of graduation. What a benevolent gift i’ve been given? Today I woke up and felt not the best but still buzzing about the month to come, went to my Tennis group at Addison and came home to burning pasta and another cup of tea. Blogging is a lot less stressful than art, even though I much rather be painting right now. And pencil shavings are to be saved for much easier days in my opinion. I never know how much sad to happy ratio is appropriate to document, maybe count it all good? Pain lets you know you’re alive Baby! Naomi I know you will never read this but I hope you are well, and love is finding its way into your hungry heart where ever you are dear.

I am fortunate for myself, for my heart, for self love and trying to live up to what my Nina always wanted me to do is to just be the best. Be sweet, lately it seems like i’ve been not really abiding in that sentiment as much as i should i suppose. Remembering every person in life has a story as strange and complex as our own, never feel bad for comforting someone in a time of need. Or feeling like you are giving too much of the ‘benefit of the doubt’. Sometimes I wish I made less excuses for myself, being difficult to resolve issues, conflict, or even forgoing being honest despite my internal integrity and not fighting someone for a spot in their heart like i feel like i did the last year. Even if I made myself believe that it wasn’t as important as it was, cause it hurts to be wrong and to be hurt at any moment. No one likes to waste time, right? I guess its fair to say i grew in understanding, i failed at trying to be unconditional and truly forgiving like i’ve always wanted to in a relationship or dating or what have you. Pride is bitch, a real motherfucker to be sentimental.

You push forward and you do it so effortlessly in hindsight and its beautiful, stop and look at the flowers, deja vu. WHat a moment??!!! The happiest days are to honestly come forward like roses in a garden. Theres a soft spot I have for exciting new experiences that my intuition screams for in little toddler fashion. The gates are open and they are pearly and scattered with opportunity for this little battered lone wolf. It is 6:39pm on a Friday night and I feel like I have finally done, or about to be done with what has been an honestly tide battle of change and inconsistency some can’t exactly say they could have done the same, on the contrary others that would have killed to be in this spot. She’s without hesitation, an independent woman? She has her morals in tact? She’s careful and prepared to live her life in a way that brings out her best? She’s goal oriented? Well i’ll be damned. There were times I looked over and thought these were some strangely high standards to achieve but with the right support and mindset, the world is.. in the best way full of oysters that I will at all times treasure until midnight.