2.8.21

My 1st year college crush is now engaged, ring and all, to be married and I truly don’t know how to feel. Well I do. I’m Levid. Jealous. Regretful. Sad. Lonely. Spiteful but at who. No one. But it’s okay it’ll happen..right… (sure). Well they’re a beautiful couple I can’t say I’d be a better fit since I didn’t really know him. He was just really cute and tall and played basketball and posted what I would post/find funny on Twitter. It sucks to be young and stare at everyone else’s life path and instinctively compare but criticize yourself like, “is there..maybe a reason that didn’t happen to me I mean..is it. Because of a missed opportunity. I didn’t wait? Long enough? Wasn’t patient enough, tolerable of more?” And I know my gut says it’s all no. I know why I’m single and I’m okay with that. I have to in a way for now.

I’m happy for anyone in love and happy with someone they truly find a valuable connection with it’s beautiful. Just can’t deal with unknowns you know?? Like trust. That’s a Empire State leap of faith you know. An unknown. A dice roll if you will. The use or misuse, determines whether people end up blissfully together, or one or more ends up devastated and in shambles. It’s not an area that’s ever 100% probability.. you can know so much about a person but at most it can only be 80 or 90% of a chance that they’re who they say they are. Their intentions, as pure as they can appear. So to be someone who is inevitably heartbroken or in love; is to be a person that took a chance regardless of the outcome. I wish I was someone that read bottomless books on relationships, and love and communication but that doesn’t fit me at the moment. I’d like to think I’m understanding enough. Patient enough. But I’m not completely despairingly insolvable, I know things will work out. Just kind of like fleetingly sucks.